InfoMan: I quit smoking, so back off!

It's been about a week now. It's actually been fairly easy. I wimped out and went to the doctor for Wellbutrin and Nicotrol prescriptions. Expensive, but I figure I'll be saving about $1000 a year.

The Wellbutrin doesn't do anything for the addiction except make you not care too much about it, which is something. The Nicotrol, however, is a revelation. It is smokeless cigarettes. You get a plastic holder, almost like the plastic tips on some cigars (the cheap ones). You also get little cartridges that apparently contain a sort of sponge soaked in nicotine. As you suck on the mouthpiece, you suck in nicotine vapors, except it's not burning.

So, I may not have had a cigarette for a week, but I've been sucking on those nicotine cartridges pretty steadily. Here's the thing; now I can "smoke" anywhere! No restrictions! Movies? No problem. On the motorcycle, inside a full face helmet? Sure! At work? Why not!

The mouthpiece is a little shorter and thicker than a cigarette. It kind of looks like what a fat spliff would look like if Fisher-Price made them. What a concept. The Tyke Toker. Freddie the Fattie. And they would make a big plastic Zippo to go with it to spark that puppy up. Except instead of real fire, you'd get a little LED light (with appropriate warning labels about swallowing same). Could you imagine a group of 4 year olds all sitting there, passing around this big plastic doobie, trying to act stoned?
"Hey Moooooom! Kyle's bogarting again!"
"Barney's better when you're stoned".
"Yeah but Teletubbies rule!"
"Hey Jeremy, put the Olsen twins video on, dude!"

Anyway, since the doctor will likely be reluctant to keep giving me refills, I suppose I'm going to have to wean myself of this too, eventually. Except I think there must be tremendous pressure building to sell this over the counter. With all of the places we can't smoke now, this is a natural. Everybody wins. Ex-smokers may still be addicted to nicotine, but they're no longer inhaling a burning mixture of poisonous chemicals. And we won't need segregated bars and restaurants anymore. The tobacco companies can keep producing the nicotine cartridges, just a different manufacturing process. As a matter of fact, I'm sure they could flavor them and therefore brand them. The cartridge holder may end up looking a lot like a cigarette, and you could get cartridges for all of the same old favorites; Marlboro II. New Salem. Winston Millenium.

The only people that lose are upholsterers, dentists, and heart surgeons. But you mark my words; it won't be long before we see Ben Affleck or Brad Pitt sucking on one of these things in a movie (or better yet, in real life!) and it will be too hip to resist. The masses will clamor, and capitalism will take over. Resistance will evaporate. And who would resist anyway? I can even envision a whole industry of paraphernalia; designer Cartridge Holders. A CH ring, or a necklace with a jeweled CH pendant .(Oooh. By Harry Winston. Get it?) The Bill Blass Executive Model. The Andy Warhol Commemorative Series. Denis Leary would have one made so he could suck on three cartridges at a time. The Franklin Mint would make a series honoring the Age of The Dirigible. The Sharper Image would sell a cartridge holder that has some special filtering system, and "only" costs $49.95. They might even make one that doubles as a flashlight.

There would have to be disposable models (environmentally friendly, of course), so that we can still flick a "butt" away in a rebellious moment. Micro-cartridge makers would spring up everywhere. CH trading clubs. And there can be kids' models that don't really have nicotine, but essence of Kool-Aid. This is where Fisher-Price comes in. So that the kids can look just like Dad! That, of course, opens the door for a new McDonald's Happy Meal promotion. A Big Mac flavored cartridge in a Ronald McDonald holder.

Then the inevitable study in Sweden that shows a link between the cartridge system and damage to the epiglottis. Soon after; the class action lawsuit, and then the legislation. Eventually, the black market. The 60 Minutes investigative report. Matt Lauer travels to Singapore to track down an underground carrtidge maker. Soon, reports of the drug cartels making disguised cartridges that actually contain heroin.

But by then, we'll have nicotine implants.